Harry Potter Chaos, Chrestomanci style
by Trip and Jayne
Summary: Several Chrestomaci characters end up at Hogwarts and, rather predictably, chaos ensues. OOCness to the MAX! Also features The Smurfs
1. Chapter 1

Author notes: I would like to apologise in advance to all the fans of; Chrestomanci, Harry Potter and The Smurfs. I would also like to point out that this was going to be a serious fic, but like most of my (Trip's) serious fics it just did not work. Mostly because Jayne hijacked it and wrote chapter two but still, it wouldn't have worked anyway. Reviews are greatly appreciated.

Disclaimer: Trip and Jayne unfortunately own neither the Chrestomanci series nor Harry Potter. Not yet anyway.

This is the first thing Jayne and I ever wrote together

* * *

It all started when Janet didn't come down for breakfast she was always there before everyone else often enough before Mary and Euphemia, but she wasn't there today. We all knew something was wrong, as soon as breakfast was over Roger, Julia, Marianne, Joe, Paolo, Renata, Angelica, Tonino and Cat all went to her room to find her.

Janet wasn't in her room. But her bed had been slept in and her nightdress was in her bed, as if she had been wearing it and then suddenly disappeared.

They all ran up to Chrestomanci's study, they didn't have to explain a thing. All the Wizards, Warlocks, Witches, Sorcerers and Sorceresses, Enchanters and Enchantresses in the castle began scouring the worlds for Janet. Until they found her, and her eight other alter ego's in 12b.

Chrestomanci sat in his office chair, behind his great oak desk looking at the seven sombre six-and-seven-teen-year-olds sitting across from him.

He turned to the Italian Magicians, "What are you four doing here?" he asked.

"Plot hole," Angelica said, in a surprisingly perfect English accent.

"Oh, well cheer up you lot, we can get her back. It might be difficult but you can do it" Chrestomanci said unconvincingly.

"Us?" Roger asked.

"Yes you, we recently discovered that 12b has an abundance of magical activity which is kept secret from non-magical society, that's why it took so long to find it. But anyway over the last two years there has been a lot of terrorist action from a certain sect of wizards known as Death Eaters. These Death Eaters are led by one quite powerful wizard named Lord Mouldywart or something like that. Anywho I'm sending you lot to the most prestigious school of witchcraft and wizardry in Great Britain. Dogwarts I mean Hogwarts, sorry." Chrestomanci explained

"But the summer holidays just started" Joe said disappointed

"Waaaa!" Chrestomanci mocked

"Welcome to this new, but surely darkest year at Hogwarts." The new Headmistress, McGonagall, began "I am surprised and relieved that the board of Governors allowed the school to stay open with all the…terrorism that has been going on. But let us not dwell on these darker themes, but welcome with elation a small group of students to be joining the seventh years. These students come to us under strange circumstances which I expect they may wish to explain themselves. So please let us welcome the ladies Angelica and Renata Petrocci, Julia Chant and Marianne Pinhoe, and Messes Eric and Roger Chant, Antonio and Paolo Montana and Joseph Pinhoe."

The doors of the great hall opened and seven teens walked up to the front podium.

One of the younger looking boys started to speak.

"Well the fact of the matter is we come from another world."

dun dun dun


	2. Chapter 2

Author noted: I (Trip) would again like to apologize to the fans of Chrestomanci and Harry Potter and I would like to also point out that this is the point where Jayne took over the story.

* * *

The sorting hat was half way through its song. Everyone in the hall looked completely and udderly bored. Even Hermione had stopped looking for a hidden meaning in the song about four different coloured cows living peacefully in the same field. The four Italian magicians were sitting in the dark corner, doing a Simon Cowell.

"That's truly horrific! I have never heard a hat sing SO off key! It is the beginning of a beautiful cacophony!" Angelica remarked.

"Cappelli maledetti inglesi!" Renata yelled at the innocent hat, which promptly stopped his serenade and cried woefully.

Hermione jumped to the defence of the immobile hat. "Don't listen to the stooped little bint! Just keep singing hat!"

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Harry cried, terrified of having his eardrums burst. But it was too late.

"They went MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Because they love YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

The sky is BLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUE!

So everyone MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Hermione jumped to her feet with applause but spun on her heel when an audible crash shook the building.

"Voldemort is in the building!" The Dark Lord cried out as he pushed the great doors open.

"What's with the smoke Dude? It is just a tad too much man!" Joe grinned.

"Avada Kedavra!" his wand was pointed at Cat who immediately hit the back wall in another cloud of smoke.

"Seriously! The smoke. Do you KNOW what that does to your lungs?"

"You arsehole! you killed my boyfriend! only I'm allowed to bloody kill him!" Marianne screamed.

Cat started to wake up. "What the freak did I do last night?"

"Oh dragon shit!" Ol' Voldey said as he looked at his smoking wand. Smoke came out of his ears as he saw red. He fired off another curse but Cat held up his left hand and easily deflected it off into a random direction, inadvertently hitting the sorting hat.

A great cheer swept through the hall.

"Thank freaking gawd!" Harry screamed as he pulled the plugs out of his ears.

"Shut up you four eyed scar headed freak!" Marianne blubbered. "He only has two lives left!"

Voldemort looked at her in a new light. "Thank you very much for that very informative information." He throws his head up. "Death eaters assemble!"

There was a great puff of smoke. Joe turned to the narrators Trip and Jayne sitting respectively at the (randy) Ravenclaw and (sexy) Slytherin tables. "Stop with the fucking smoke already! you'll give us all lung cancer!"

"NO! Trip, can I kill him?" Jayne asked

"I don't see why not," Trip said, "He's not really essential to the plot. He's sort of that nameless guy who dies in the first five minutes."

"No. You can't kill me. You'll regret it!" Joe yelled.

.

"Wanna bet? Elastic snapetastic!"

(AN. This spell is property of Jayne. Don't even think of stealing it! We (or really she) WILL hunt you down and turn you into a stationary eraser in the shape of (the ever so sexy) Severus Snape)

(The ever so sexy) Severus, Ferret face Malfoy and Albino Senior as well as the strumpet Bellatrix Lestrange entered and struck poses on either side of Voldy.

"You really should look at getting some better henchmen Voldy." Julia said surveying the Death eaters. "I mean really, that one is only here 'cause your so good in bed" she said pointing to the strumpet "He's only here 'cause he wants to bed you too." she explained now pointing to Albino Senior "He's here 'cause daddy said so" pointing to ferret boy "And the sexy one doesn't want to work for you anymore."

"What? (the ever so sexy) Severus, is this true?"

"I'm afraid it is Voldy." Severus said ashamedly walking away from the Death eaters, "and to prove it" he held out his left arm revealing the dark mark that was magically tattooed to his arm "BUCKY FIRE!"

Hermione raised her wand and in a flash of magic (the ever so sexy) Severus's left arm was now lying on Minerva's dinner plate.

"Eugh" Minerva said tossing it aside.

Blood from what remained of (the ever so sexy) Severus's arm (the stuff attached to his body not the arm getting thrown around the staff dinner table) was spraying onto a very peeved looking Paolo. He punched (T.E.S.S) Severus, knocking him out.

"You italian fuckwad!" Hermione screamed "Elastic snapetastic!" where Paolo once stood, there was now a (the ever so sexy) Severus shaped eraser which had started screaming curses and insulting everyone.

Renata screamed and ran to pick up the eraser of her man-bitch. She sang a quick verse of something and he changed back into himself. They immediately started to make out and were rolling around on the floor in (the ever so sexy) Severus' blood.

"Avada Kedavra, Avada Kedavra, Avada Oh Fuck It" Voldy yelled setting of multiple curses in multiple clouds of smoke (A/N by now Joe was crying in a heap on the floor) at Cat who was stopping them in mid air and making them disappear in puffs of smoke (A/N he just wanted to provoke Joe).

"Oh forget it, time for reinforcements!" Voldemort screamed tearfully. There was ANOTHER audible crash and ANOTHER great puff of smoke as the great doors opened AGAIN and a blonde haired, blue eyed girl of about 17 walked into the hall.

DUN DUN DUN!!!


	3. Chapter 3

Author notes: The last chapter, finally, please review, and I'm sorry about the grammar but, frankly, a story with a plot this ridiculous doesn't deserve good grammar.

* * *

The woman walked down the great hall, pushing Voldy and the strumpet out of the way, she stood in front of Cat.

"Hey Gwendolen, still a total selfish bitch like old times I see." Julia said spitefully.

"Shut up, you stupid fat cow!" Gwendolen screamed at her.

"Oh don't make me cut you, you bitch!" Julia yelled back pulling out her handkerchief and starting to tie a knot in it. The handkerchief burst into flames

"That's it bitch! Tonino, Angelica!"

Tonino pulled his tongue out of Angelica's…throat… and walked over to Julia. Angelica and Tonino started singing the Smurf's theme song. Gwendolen started shrinking till she was three inches high and her skin turned green.

"What the fuck! I'm a Smurf" Gwendolen screamed

"You're not a Smurf, You're green!" Papa Smurf yelled at her "Brainy go get the cross, we is gonna lynch this greenie!" a roar of support came from the other 100 Smurfs as a noose was placed around Gwendolen's neck and tied to a cart. Brainy erected a cross and set it on fire.

Meanwhile, the other occupants of the Great hall watched on in a mixture of confusion and horror. Nearly-Headless Nick looked very amused while Hermione supported a look of pure disgust on her face.

Gwendolen screamed and turned herself back to normal, she then proceeded to stomp on all the little-evil-racist Smurfs. All that was left was a chalk blue powder sprinkled lightly over the stone floor.

"Well that was random." Voldemort stated frankly.

"Shut up you stupid-red-eyed-snake-faced-fork-tongued-pale-skinned-moron!" Gwenny screamed at Voldy.

"Don't you call him that, he's sexy" the strumpet Bellatrix and Albino Senior yelled in unison. They then proceeded to start firing curses at Gwenny as she screamed and ran around the room being chased by the only two loyal death eaters.

"See your stupid death eaters don't even like you!!!!!!!!" she screamed at him before laughing insanely.

After about three laps of the great hall Gwendolen stopped at the staff table, caught (the ever so sexy) Severus' arm and slapped Bellatrix with it, Bellatrix staggered off holding a broken nose and Gwendolen started pummeling Albino Senior with (the ever so sexy) Severus' severed arm.

Cat looked down at (the ever so sexy) Severus lying in a pool of blood on the floor. Hermione had stopped the bleeding but that was all she could do, Cat snapped his fingers and (the ever so sexy) Severus' arm grew back (minus the dark mark).

Severus woke up weakly and looked into the eyes of the beautiful girl crouching next to him, "Hermione…Hermione I'm sorry, I'm sorry about Dumbledore, I didn't want to…"

Hermione shushed him and held him in her arms to comfort him, rocking him back to sleep.

Cat turned his attentions to Voldemort "You no longer amuse me." He waved his left hand and Voldemort was sent flying back into the far wall. Bellatrix Lestrange tried to fire a curse at Cat but it backfired sending her into the same wall, she landed in an awkward position on top of Voldy.

Cat looked around for Ferret-boy, but he was nowhere to be found, neither was Scar-head he turned to Trip and Jayne "Where's Ferret-boy and the Scar-head boy-wonder?"

"They're under the table" Trip said removing his hand from down Jayne's shirt who protested.

Cat looked under the table to find Ferret-boy, Scar-head, Weasel, Longbottom, Finnigan, McMillan and Roger enjoying some kind of…orgy.

"Well that's… uh… different?"

Cat now turned to Gwendolen, she was still pummelling a now very dead Albino Senior. "Where's Janet?" Cat asked accusingly

"Who?" Gwendolen asked innocently

"Y'know Janet"

"I don't know what you're talking about"

"The better version of you"

"How can you say that about your sister?" Gwendolen cried

"You tried to kill me you selfish bitch, five times over!" Cat screamed at the wailing blonde

"Oh yeah, that's why I'm here." Gwendolen said ceasing her wailing

She fired blast after blast of magic at Cat, which he turned against her, imprisoning her in a cage.

"Now you be a good little evil empress…"

"Evil Queen"

"Evil Queen, and tell me where Janet is." Cat said sweetly to Gwendolen

"She's at the pub (and she may be some time)" Gwendolen said truthfully, "I couldn't get any of them to obey me so they all went to the pub in Hogsmeade and got smashed."

"Thank you" Cat said firing a blast of magic at the cage, instantly turning Gwendolen into a roast Goose.

Cat disappeared for a moment and returned with eight exact doubles of Gwendolen, except that they were all very, very, drunk.

"Thank you Cat" Janet managed to slur "Hey Julia you sexy thing, come here." She then started to snog Julia's tongue off as the other eight doubles went out to find conquests at the house tables.

Cat turned to the cage and saw a pile of goose bones lying at the bottom, "Who ate Gwendolen?" he roared shocked

Everyone at the staff table pointed to Hagrid, his mouth, beard and fingers were very greasy.

"You bastard" Cat screamed "I was going to eat that"

"Sorry," Hagrid said meekly

"Eugh you sicken me… come on every one where leaving." After dragging Roger out from under the table (and out of Neville) Cat, Marianne, Janet, Julia, Tonino, Angelica, Paolo, Renata, Roger, Joe and all of Janet's doubles (minus Gwenny) disappeared completely from the hall.

Voldemort woke up, Bellatrix still on top of him, dazed "Well that was random."

"Shut up and kiss me you fool"

And they all lived happily ever after in their own worlds, except for Gwendolen and Albino/Ferret Face Senior.

THE END


End file.
